Where Has the Time Gone?

No I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth…life just sometimes has a way of passing me by so quickly I barely have time to stop and take a breath.

It’s been forever and a day it seems since my last post.  Where do I begin?  Life has been a roller coaster ride these past few months.  sometimes feeling like I’m careening off the tracks and other times a slow cruise around a gentle bend.  I suppose it’s really the same for most people…..

A quick catch up on where I’m at in life – work is well work – I love it and I hate it all at the same time.  I’m mostly loving it now as I’m working on a couple of new and interesting special projects and events (yay me!).  On the homefront the littles are still alive and kicking which some days is a miracle unto itself.  That’s all I can say nicely about them for now….Momma has a semblance of a personal life….not much but a little.

I’m a little sad to say that things didn’t work out with Sweet P…but really in my head I knew they never would.  The heart was another story but hey you have to live and learn.  There was nothing dramatic or  overly interesting about the end of the ‘relationship’ it just stopped being there….well no I’m lying there was an awfully emotional situation that I mistakenly thought had brought us closer.  Reality check!  It did not and really it was the catalyst to bring ‘us’ to an end.  When I look back I do believe I imagined there was more to the whole ‘us’ thing than there ever really was……reality bites.  It’s funny I don’t really miss the romantical bits we had (there really weren’t many) but I do wish we were still chatty mates as we did get along quite well.

reality bites

As far as the littles go it seems as if the whole separation thing is not so easy for them to adjust to and they are firey balls of anger for the most part these days.  This has lead to some pretty tough times and lots of hormonal teenage/pre-teenage angst.  I really feel like a failure in this respect lately….whoever said parenting was easy lied…like totally lied.  It’s not easy when there are two of you and it’s super tricky when there’s only one parent around most of the time. I can’t change the situation but I’m trying to be a better listener and hopefully a better momma.

We are testing out weekly family nights and will be starting some family counseling next month too.  Family night numero uno was a hit with dinner and a movie so hopefully we can build on that.  Counseling may be another story but we can all use an unbiased third perspective on our lives every now and again.  and besides the littles requested it and I know I’m not a perfect mom (not even close!) so I’m looking forward to working through some of our issues.

With all this fun stuff at work and adventures with the littles you may be asking if I’ve had time for me….why yes I have!  But let me take a breath and save that for the next post.

Learning to Stop and Smell the Roses

If I’m honest – truly honest with myself I’d tell you that I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo lately.  My emotions have been running from one extreme to another.

I’m still seeing an absolutely sweet, adorable, fabulous guy that I can’t get enough of.  It’s good, he’s good, life is just great….well sort of.  You see he is the first person I’ve dated in a very, very long time.  I should think myself lucky right?  We clicked from the first instant and he makes me feel special.  I smile (still) just thinking about him.  Let’s call this guy Sweet P for obvious reasons (he he just soo sweet).

Sweet P always sends me a good morning text message (which I totally love and can’t wait to get) and I can be me with him – no holding back, which is very rare for me.  I’m not comfortable with letting many people into my little world.  I know to many I come across as snobby – I’m not.  I have major social anxiety and am painfully shy, but not with him – at all – EVER.

We are both busy people though.  We both commute for work (which takes up far too much of the day!!).  I’m stuck behind a desk all day and thrive on routine and structure.  Meanwhile Sweet P is on the road – here and there and everywhere doing different things on different days.  On top of the commute we both have kids.  And one of the things I admire about him is his commitment to his kids.  And with two boys of my own who are busy with sports and work, by the time we both deal with work, spend time with kids and deal with regular life it seems there isn’t much time for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally smitten and love spending time with my Sweet P, but it just never feels like enough. Or so it seems to me.  And this is where the emotional roller coaster comes in. Turns out I’m not as secure as I thought I was.  I’m not really afraid of being rejected by him – I’m comfortable enough with him to be open and leave my heart on the table.  If I want to see him I ask.  I mean I’m so into him I want to spend whatever free time I’ve got with him – normal right?  I want to know everything about him and just see where this all leads.  More often than not Sweet P says he isn’t available or that we will “play it by ear”.  I get it (in my head at least); his job is unpredictable, sometimes he is on call, has kids he loves, is buying a house and now add a new girl into the mix…I’ve begun to realize that in my life not many people say no to me and  I don’t like it!!!

I see less of Sweet P than I’d like but enjoy the times I do see him immensely.  And we do text every day.  I don’t know if it is a girl thing or just a me thing but my brain goes into over drive trying to analyze everything about this relationship.  A random sampling of my thoughts might look like this:

Is this a “relationship”?, Does he see other people? (I don’t think so but maybe who knows), Does he think of me as his girlfriend? (I think of him as my boyfriend), Will he ever want to meet my kids?  Will he want me to meet his kids?  Why doesn’t he want to see me tonight? (Is he really at work or does he just not want to say no to me), Why isn’t he answering my messages? Do I send too many messages?  Am I annoying? Why doesn’t he ever try to make plans with me? (well probably because I never give him a chance lol.  I’m always asking him).

At the end of the day I’ve decided I need to get my brain to TRY and chill the f%$* out!!  Sweet P has never given me a reason to not trust him, always ends up replying (even if it isn’t on my time table), and we do see each other (just not as often as I’d like).  The relationship is new.  I love the chemistry and enjoy getting to know this awesome guy.  I think I need to stop and smell the roses – there is so much good and so much potential that I may ruin with my overactive mind (plus when I send him pics he always loves the ones of me au natural so he’s a keeper). I need to trust Sweet P with my heart and emotions and just let things be.  There really is no rush – the dating thing is complicated enough and here I am complicating things further. 

Patience is not a virtue I’ve ever possessed in excess, but I’m learning…….It’s humbling to not always be in control, to be told no, to have to wait for someone you desire like crazy and to not get what you want when you want it!  I’m learning, I’m growing and well it’s not so bad.  He’s pretty amazing so far so let me hit pause and just reflect on all his amazingness and to JUST BREATHE.

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