Where Has the Time Gone?

No I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth…life just sometimes has a way of passing me by so quickly I barely have time to stop and take a breath.

It’s been forever and a day it seems since my last post.  Where do I begin?  Life has been a roller coaster ride these past few months.  sometimes feeling like I’m careening off the tracks and other times a slow cruise around a gentle bend.  I suppose it’s really the same for most people…..

A quick catch up on where I’m at in life – work is well work – I love it and I hate it all at the same time.  I’m mostly loving it now as I’m working on a couple of new and interesting special projects and events (yay me!).  On the homefront the littles are still alive and kicking which some days is a miracle unto itself.  That’s all I can say nicely about them for now….Momma has a semblance of a personal life….not much but a little.

I’m a little sad to say that things didn’t work out with Sweet P…but really in my head I knew they never would.  The heart was another story but hey you have to live and learn.  There was nothing dramatic or  overly interesting about the end of the ‘relationship’ it just stopped being there….well no I’m lying there was an awfully emotional situation that I mistakenly thought had brought us closer.  Reality check!  It did not and really it was the catalyst to bring ‘us’ to an end.  When I look back I do believe I imagined there was more to the whole ‘us’ thing than there ever really was……reality bites.  It’s funny I don’t really miss the romantical bits we had (there really weren’t many) but I do wish we were still chatty mates as we did get along quite well.

reality bites

As far as the littles go it seems as if the whole separation thing is not so easy for them to adjust to and they are firey balls of anger for the most part these days.  This has lead to some pretty tough times and lots of hormonal teenage/pre-teenage angst.  I really feel like a failure in this respect lately….whoever said parenting was easy lied…like totally lied.  It’s not easy when there are two of you and it’s super tricky when there’s only one parent around most of the time. I can’t change the situation but I’m trying to be a better listener and hopefully a better momma.

We are testing out weekly family nights and will be starting some family counseling next month too.  Family night numero uno was a hit with dinner and a movie so hopefully we can build on that.  Counseling may be another story but we can all use an unbiased third perspective on our lives every now and again.  and besides the littles requested it and I know I’m not a perfect mom (not even close!) so I’m looking forward to working through some of our issues.

With all this fun stuff at work and adventures with the littles you may be asking if I’ve had time for me….why yes I have!  But let me take a breath and save that for the next post.

Time Flies!

Soooo  I bet you’ve been wondering where I’ve been right?  Well the summer has past, the days and months trucking along with barely a moment to pause and smell the roses.  I can’t say much has changed except that work has been crazy busy!

My Sweet P is still kicking around – as aloof as ever.  I often wonder why I bother continuing to attempt to engage in a relationship with him….I mean we are more pen pals than anything else. I rarely see him – in fact I think it’s been a month since we have been in the same room.  For some unknown reason I still carry a torch for him, although it is dimming lately.  Have you ever had those people who just give you butterflies every time you see them and sometimes just when you think about them?  He does it for me…but at the same time he infuriates me with his constant excuses about why he can’t get together for a date.  In fact I don’t even know where he lives and we’ve been seeing each other since May.  Weird right??

I’m fairly active on this one particular meeting site and have been texting and chatting with a few guys.  I’ve even been asked out by several but I keep finding excuses not to go, to cancel or even reschedule.  The heart wants what the heart wants no matter what the brain tries to tell it.  I’m in no rush and I don’t need a guy to complete my life so for now Sweet P has a front row seat in my heart.

The good news is I’m feeling great about myself!  I’m becoming slowly more outgoing and finding it easier to make friends and chat online with guys to see if we have a connection.  I’ve made some great on-line friends and even considered meeting some.  Yes considered it – actually met them?? Well no I haven’t done that yet.  Actually I’m telling lies.  Yes I have – one guy who we’ll call 6 pack.  Funny story there for another time.

But running a close second is Upstate NY.  But that story is much too long and complicated to get into on my first post back.  Let’s just say we hit it off immediately but there are complications to the right and obstacles to the left.

On a completely different topic I just got back from a much needed family vacation.  Enjoyed a few of the funnest attractions to be had in the Orlando area.  Can’t wait to tell you more about the whole vacation but again gotta stay on track – well sort of.

It’s good to be back writing again.  Remind me that it’s a good outlet if I disappear again!  And now we have lots to talk about.  so stay tuned for tales of 6 pack, Upstate NY and vacation good times.  And now to take a minute for myself to just breathe and enjoy this beautiful end of summer day!

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Running Hot and Cold

While my emotions continue to ride this crazy dating roller coaster I’m trying to maintain my composure, act like a lady (when there are times I’d like to choke my Sweet P, other times when I almost dissolve into a giant heap of gut wrenching sobs and still others when I’m grinning from ear to ear) and make something of this new relationship.  I’ve made my declaration – I like this guy!

Lately I’ve felt like someone has shouted “Let the games begin!” from the highest mountaintop, but I don’t want to play.  Over the past couple days I’ve noticed Sweet P becoming what I will call aloof.  Aloof you say – interesting choice of words.  Indeed.  I Googled the word aloof and got this back:

a-loof – Adjective 1. Not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.  2. Conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.

Synonyms – remote – distant

Check, check and check – yes that’s how Sweet P is acting.  And let me tell ya it’s getting old quick!  I’m not one for drama, mixed signals or games.  If I like you I tell you, if I want to spend time with you I will let you know and if I’m busy I will tell you that too.  Sweet P not so much.  It’s like turning on an unmarked faucet or walking into a dark room – you just don’t know what you are going to get.It could be great – all warm and fuzzy sensations or you could end up wanting to turn and run the other way cause shit’s so friggin cold.

For the love of god all I want to know is are you interested in me or not?  How hard is that??  It is so deflating to always be the one to ask someone to do something and then have to wait for them to say yes or no and decide when/where. Perhaps I’ve made it seem like I’m too interested or available.  Who knows – certainly not me.  All I know is that one day Sweet P is super chatty, responsive and calling me pet names and in the next instant doesn’t respond to messages, won’t commit to meeting and drops the pet names altogether.

This push-pull creates a ton of inner turmoil for me.  The immediate feeling of this push away by Sweet P is almost the same as a kick in the stomach – it takes your breath away and leaves you feeling like you just can’t function.  Then when you can your next reaction is to pull them closer – to be overly affectionate, way too talkative, send extra text messages, etc.  The more he pushes the more I pull.  Then the mind wanders…..is he letting me down gently? Is he purposely doing this so I’m the one who breaks things off?

So I took a step back , recognized the behaviour and hit the good old Google search for some guidance.  We established the definition of aloof but interestingly enough Wikihow helps us even further by telling us how to be aloof:

  1. Maintain a calm exterior
  2. Always be confident
  3. Be mysterious (lol)
  4. Be respectful

And as we keep scrolling through the search results it’s great (not) to note we can even visit http://www.aloof.com where they will tell you to appear disinterested, unfazed and detached.  Sweet P is this where you’ve been spending your time, cause it certainly feels like it lately.  If he’s trying to trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment it’s working.  There are times I feel that way and question what I’ve done to trigger the cold shoulder.  Then I get the sweet good morning message text and I’m all hot and bothered again.

My brain is on overload.  Enough already!  I can’t take this anymore.  What’s a girl to do?  Play the same game (I want to at times just to let him know how crappy it feels).  But I won’t – I know that won’t fix this.

I know he likes me – I can tell.  I’m also smart enough to know that you cannot make people act or do what you want no matter how hard you try.  I’ve got to delve more into this and patiently wait and see if this is Sweet P’s way of avoiding being hurt.  If you don’t put yourself out there, you can’t get hurt.  Maybe it’s his way of a test to see if it will drive me away.  Who knows?  Only he does.  But he’s lucky I like him and I will do my very best to squash the urge to turn into a raging psycho bitch, bite my tongue and see what transpires.

I will no longer wait around for him to answer me before I make other plans, I won’t sit desperately by the phone waiting for a call or text.  I will live my life, be me, and hope that he likes what I have to offer.  I know that it may not work out in the end. – it’s early days and I won’t pretend that I won’t be devastated if it doesn’t work out, but I will never regret trying (he is special after all). Sweet P may run hot and cold but so far he’s worth the trouble so I’ll keep telling myself to just breathe.

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Learning to Stop and Smell the Roses

If I’m honest – truly honest with myself I’d tell you that I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo lately.  My emotions have been running from one extreme to another.

I’m still seeing an absolutely sweet, adorable, fabulous guy that I can’t get enough of.  It’s good, he’s good, life is just great….well sort of.  You see he is the first person I’ve dated in a very, very long time.  I should think myself lucky right?  We clicked from the first instant and he makes me feel special.  I smile (still) just thinking about him.  Let’s call this guy Sweet P for obvious reasons (he he just soo sweet).

Sweet P always sends me a good morning text message (which I totally love and can’t wait to get) and I can be me with him – no holding back, which is very rare for me.  I’m not comfortable with letting many people into my little world.  I know to many I come across as snobby – I’m not.  I have major social anxiety and am painfully shy, but not with him – at all – EVER.

We are both busy people though.  We both commute for work (which takes up far too much of the day!!).  I’m stuck behind a desk all day and thrive on routine and structure.  Meanwhile Sweet P is on the road – here and there and everywhere doing different things on different days.  On top of the commute we both have kids.  And one of the things I admire about him is his commitment to his kids.  And with two boys of my own who are busy with sports and work, by the time we both deal with work, spend time with kids and deal with regular life it seems there isn’t much time for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally smitten and love spending time with my Sweet P, but it just never feels like enough. Or so it seems to me.  And this is where the emotional roller coaster comes in. Turns out I’m not as secure as I thought I was.  I’m not really afraid of being rejected by him – I’m comfortable enough with him to be open and leave my heart on the table.  If I want to see him I ask.  I mean I’m so into him I want to spend whatever free time I’ve got with him – normal right?  I want to know everything about him and just see where this all leads.  More often than not Sweet P says he isn’t available or that we will “play it by ear”.  I get it (in my head at least); his job is unpredictable, sometimes he is on call, has kids he loves, is buying a house and now add a new girl into the mix…I’ve begun to realize that in my life not many people say no to me and  I don’t like it!!!

I see less of Sweet P than I’d like but enjoy the times I do see him immensely.  And we do text every day.  I don’t know if it is a girl thing or just a me thing but my brain goes into over drive trying to analyze everything about this relationship.  A random sampling of my thoughts might look like this:

Is this a “relationship”?, Does he see other people? (I don’t think so but maybe who knows), Does he think of me as his girlfriend? (I think of him as my boyfriend), Will he ever want to meet my kids?  Will he want me to meet his kids?  Why doesn’t he want to see me tonight? (Is he really at work or does he just not want to say no to me), Why isn’t he answering my messages? Do I send too many messages?  Am I annoying? Why doesn’t he ever try to make plans with me? (well probably because I never give him a chance lol.  I’m always asking him).

At the end of the day I’ve decided I need to get my brain to TRY and chill the f%$* out!!  Sweet P has never given me a reason to not trust him, always ends up replying (even if it isn’t on my time table), and we do see each other (just not as often as I’d like).  The relationship is new.  I love the chemistry and enjoy getting to know this awesome guy.  I think I need to stop and smell the roses – there is so much good and so much potential that I may ruin with my overactive mind (plus when I send him pics he always loves the ones of me au natural so he’s a keeper). I need to trust Sweet P with my heart and emotions and just let things be.  There really is no rush – the dating thing is complicated enough and here I am complicating things further. 

Patience is not a virtue I’ve ever possessed in excess, but I’m learning…….It’s humbling to not always be in control, to be told no, to have to wait for someone you desire like crazy and to not get what you want when you want it!  I’m learning, I’m growing and well it’s not so bad.  He’s pretty amazing so far so let me hit pause and just reflect on all his amazingness and to JUST BREATHE.

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Online Dating = Epic Fail

ImageSo I decided recently that after being separated for over a year that I was good and ready to dip my toe into the online dating pool.  I’d spent months rebuilding my life, getting back into the gym, going out with friends and learning to like myself again.  I must say I’m a pretty great chick…or so I thought.

I spent hours carefully deciding which dating site to sign up for and then took painstaking efforts to create a profile to showcase my best attributes, uploaded a few pics and voila – let the fun begin.  Or not.  I was feeling good about myself prior to this little endeavor – I’m not too young or too old to start over, I’m average looking, great job, active, have a great bunch of friends and smart as a whip. Should be a slam dunk right???

Nope.

Two months later I haven’t been on one date.  Not even a bad one. I’ve chatted over email or text with a couple guys and developed a very high school-esque crush on what I thought was a sweet, young country boy.  What an eye opener that experience was.  So I sit here now with my self-confidence completely deflated wondering WTF is wrong with me?  I now question everything about myself.  Whoever said it was fun getting back into the dating world has a very warped sense of humour.

I fret more now than I did as a teenage girl just getting to know boys.  Geez I never thought I’d be in this position.  It has been a lot more painful than I thought it would be.  I went into this on-line dating world without a care in the world thinking “Hey I’m a pretty decent catch, I’m sure I will enjoy getting to know new people”. 

I’ve decided to take a breather from the whole on-line dating world before I end up curled up in bed with the covers pulled up tight watching The Notebook with a pint of ice cream and a box of tissues. 

What an epic fail.  The good news is I’m starting to talk myself off the ledge.  Stay tuned for more misadventures in moving on…..