Running Hot and Cold

While my emotions continue to ride this crazy dating roller coaster I’m trying to maintain my composure, act like a lady (when there are times I’d like to choke my Sweet P, other times when I almost dissolve into a giant heap of gut wrenching sobs and still others when I’m grinning from ear to ear) and make something of this new relationship.  I’ve made my declaration – I like this guy!

Lately I’ve felt like someone has shouted “Let the games begin!” from the highest mountaintop, but I don’t want to play.  Over the past couple days I’ve noticed Sweet P becoming what I will call aloof.  Aloof you say – interesting choice of words.  Indeed.  I Googled the word aloof and got this back:

a-loof – Adjective 1. Not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.  2. Conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.

Synonyms – remote – distant

Check, check and check – yes that’s how Sweet P is acting.  And let me tell ya it’s getting old quick!  I’m not one for drama, mixed signals or games.  If I like you I tell you, if I want to spend time with you I will let you know and if I’m busy I will tell you that too.  Sweet P not so much.  It’s like turning on an unmarked faucet or walking into a dark room – you just don’t know what you are going to get.It could be great – all warm and fuzzy sensations or you could end up wanting to turn and run the other way cause shit’s so friggin cold.

For the love of god all I want to know is are you interested in me or not?  How hard is that??  It is so deflating to always be the one to ask someone to do something and then have to wait for them to say yes or no and decide when/where. Perhaps I’ve made it seem like I’m too interested or available.  Who knows – certainly not me.  All I know is that one day Sweet P is super chatty, responsive and calling me pet names and in the next instant doesn’t respond to messages, won’t commit to meeting and drops the pet names altogether.

This push-pull creates a ton of inner turmoil for me.  The immediate feeling of this push away by Sweet P is almost the same as a kick in the stomach – it takes your breath away and leaves you feeling like you just can’t function.  Then when you can your next reaction is to pull them closer – to be overly affectionate, way too talkative, send extra text messages, etc.  The more he pushes the more I pull.  Then the mind wanders…..is he letting me down gently? Is he purposely doing this so I’m the one who breaks things off?

So I took a step back , recognized the behaviour and hit the good old Google search for some guidance.  We established the definition of aloof but interestingly enough Wikihow helps us even further by telling us how to be aloof:

  1. Maintain a calm exterior
  2. Always be confident
  3. Be mysterious (lol)
  4. Be respectful

And as we keep scrolling through the search results it’s great (not) to note we can even visit http://www.aloof.com where they will tell you to appear disinterested, unfazed and detached.  Sweet P is this where you’ve been spending your time, cause it certainly feels like it lately.  If he’s trying to trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment it’s working.  There are times I feel that way and question what I’ve done to trigger the cold shoulder.  Then I get the sweet good morning message text and I’m all hot and bothered again.

My brain is on overload.  Enough already!  I can’t take this anymore.  What’s a girl to do?  Play the same game (I want to at times just to let him know how crappy it feels).  But I won’t – I know that won’t fix this.

I know he likes me – I can tell.  I’m also smart enough to know that you cannot make people act or do what you want no matter how hard you try.  I’ve got to delve more into this and patiently wait and see if this is Sweet P’s way of avoiding being hurt.  If you don’t put yourself out there, you can’t get hurt.  Maybe it’s his way of a test to see if it will drive me away.  Who knows?  Only he does.  But he’s lucky I like him and I will do my very best to squash the urge to turn into a raging psycho bitch, bite my tongue and see what transpires.

I will no longer wait around for him to answer me before I make other plans, I won’t sit desperately by the phone waiting for a call or text.  I will live my life, be me, and hope that he likes what I have to offer.  I know that it may not work out in the end. – it’s early days and I won’t pretend that I won’t be devastated if it doesn’t work out, but I will never regret trying (he is special after all). Sweet P may run hot and cold but so far he’s worth the trouble so I’ll keep telling myself to just breathe.

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Learning to Stop and Smell the Roses

If I’m honest – truly honest with myself I’d tell you that I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo lately.  My emotions have been running from one extreme to another.

I’m still seeing an absolutely sweet, adorable, fabulous guy that I can’t get enough of.  It’s good, he’s good, life is just great….well sort of.  You see he is the first person I’ve dated in a very, very long time.  I should think myself lucky right?  We clicked from the first instant and he makes me feel special.  I smile (still) just thinking about him.  Let’s call this guy Sweet P for obvious reasons (he he just soo sweet).

Sweet P always sends me a good morning text message (which I totally love and can’t wait to get) and I can be me with him – no holding back, which is very rare for me.  I’m not comfortable with letting many people into my little world.  I know to many I come across as snobby – I’m not.  I have major social anxiety and am painfully shy, but not with him – at all – EVER.

We are both busy people though.  We both commute for work (which takes up far too much of the day!!).  I’m stuck behind a desk all day and thrive on routine and structure.  Meanwhile Sweet P is on the road – here and there and everywhere doing different things on different days.  On top of the commute we both have kids.  And one of the things I admire about him is his commitment to his kids.  And with two boys of my own who are busy with sports and work, by the time we both deal with work, spend time with kids and deal with regular life it seems there isn’t much time for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally smitten and love spending time with my Sweet P, but it just never feels like enough. Or so it seems to me.  And this is where the emotional roller coaster comes in. Turns out I’m not as secure as I thought I was.  I’m not really afraid of being rejected by him – I’m comfortable enough with him to be open and leave my heart on the table.  If I want to see him I ask.  I mean I’m so into him I want to spend whatever free time I’ve got with him – normal right?  I want to know everything about him and just see where this all leads.  More often than not Sweet P says he isn’t available or that we will “play it by ear”.  I get it (in my head at least); his job is unpredictable, sometimes he is on call, has kids he loves, is buying a house and now add a new girl into the mix…I’ve begun to realize that in my life not many people say no to me and  I don’t like it!!!

I see less of Sweet P than I’d like but enjoy the times I do see him immensely.  And we do text every day.  I don’t know if it is a girl thing or just a me thing but my brain goes into over drive trying to analyze everything about this relationship.  A random sampling of my thoughts might look like this:

Is this a “relationship”?, Does he see other people? (I don’t think so but maybe who knows), Does he think of me as his girlfriend? (I think of him as my boyfriend), Will he ever want to meet my kids?  Will he want me to meet his kids?  Why doesn’t he want to see me tonight? (Is he really at work or does he just not want to say no to me), Why isn’t he answering my messages? Do I send too many messages?  Am I annoying? Why doesn’t he ever try to make plans with me? (well probably because I never give him a chance lol.  I’m always asking him).

At the end of the day I’ve decided I need to get my brain to TRY and chill the f%$* out!!  Sweet P has never given me a reason to not trust him, always ends up replying (even if it isn’t on my time table), and we do see each other (just not as often as I’d like).  The relationship is new.  I love the chemistry and enjoy getting to know this awesome guy.  I think I need to stop and smell the roses – there is so much good and so much potential that I may ruin with my overactive mind (plus when I send him pics he always loves the ones of me au natural so he’s a keeper). I need to trust Sweet P with my heart and emotions and just let things be.  There really is no rush – the dating thing is complicated enough and here I am complicating things further. 

Patience is not a virtue I’ve ever possessed in excess, but I’m learning…….It’s humbling to not always be in control, to be told no, to have to wait for someone you desire like crazy and to not get what you want when you want it!  I’m learning, I’m growing and well it’s not so bad.  He’s pretty amazing so far so let me hit pause and just reflect on all his amazingness and to JUST BREATHE.

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What Once Was Lost Is Found

lost and foundSo I’ve been MIA for a few days now.  Keeping up with a blog is harder than I originally thought.  Especially when there’s so much out there to experience.

What a difference a week makes.  If you haven’t been keeping up, I’ve been lamenting over my inability to get a country cutie to go out on a date with me.  Will I finally decided that enough was enough!  I put things into perspective and decided that if I really wanted to meet people that I would have to continue to put myself out there and take risks.  Sure I might “wink” at a guy and get no response, I may get the ever polite match.com “thanks but no thanks” reply message, but surely there are a few boys out there who want to go out on a date with me.  So I threw caution to the wind and put myself back out there again. A little bit of a bruised ego but hey I’m a tough girl.

Well this week I haven’t stopped smiling.  I started chatting with a sweet guy, my own age that lives in my area.  And I have to say since the very first message it felt like we had been friends forever.  I miss that.  I think we all love that feeling of butterflies in the pit of your stomach.  The anxious anticipation where you hold your breath, waiting for the next message to arrive in your inbox.  Nervously wondering if the other person is still there, are they feeling the same way, thinking about how long you should wait before asking them out.  So after a few days of back and forth we moved from messaging online to Kik (which until last week I had no idea even existed) instant messaging and graduated to actually sharing cell numbers.

I feel like a teenager again!  I had been looking forward to dating again, then got discouraged, and then in an instant I feel like I’ve found a part of me that was lost and forgotten many moons ago.  This awkening has been both startling and refreshing.  I feel alive for the first time in a long time.  I smile.  I never smile.  I smile.  ALL. THE. TIME.  I’m giddy.  I love this feeling.  People around me are beginning to notice the change.  I hope it never goes away.

He is sweet, seems genuine, knows instinctively when to message me, and most importantly he makes me laugh.  I decided to take the plunge and ask him if he wanted to meet.  I was pretty sure he wouldn’t say no.  good news – I’m happy to say we met last night for coffee and although I spent the hours leading up to the date being terrified, it was painless.  No awkward moments, we both look the same as we do in our pictures, and he still makes me smile.  Even better news – we made plans to go out again later this week.

I’m so totally stoked to see where this goes.  I’m going in eyes wide open, with no preconceived notions and just letting things go where they may and enjoying the journey.  If I take anything away with me it’s knowing that I missed having someone take my breath away and that I missed having the excitement of a romantic connection in my life.

I look forward to the road ahead and hope that I will never forget this part of me that has resurrected itself.  I haven’t felt this good since I don’t know when….what once was lost is found again.

 

Old Enough to Know Better. Young Enough to Keep Hoping

Don’t you just hate when you know something in your head but your heart just won’t let you let go? I mean come on the logical voice inside you tells you to face the facts and deep down you know you should be listening but that darned fairytale, happy ending voice from your heart keeps making excuses.

That’s where I am now. The battle of fantasy and reality…..In my head I know that this country cutie I’ve got running through my brain far too often is largely built on my own fantasies and not even close to reality.

The logical part of my being tells me that a guy who texts you once in awhile (maybe once a week) and replies with one word answers to any of your questions, is always busy at the farm, never actually picks up the phone to call you, and broke three planned first dates is not a guy who actually wants to meet or date you!

But alas, you can’t tell your heart what it wants. So the heart builds this little fantasy that the country cutie is just shy – he really does want to meet you, but he really is too shy. The heart tells you he spends just as much time thinking about you as you do him and somewhere down the line you are going to meet and fireworks will ensue, you will fall madly in love with each other and ride off into the sunset ~ happily ever after.

I hate that I smile EVERY single time he sends a text message. Every single time. I’m so not the school girl crush kinda girl and I have no idea why someone I haven’t met has turned me into a bundle of mush inside.

So heart this needs to be the end of the line. The sweet, young, country cutie is mostly a figment of your overactive imagination.  Now to figure out how to beat the heart into submission and let the rational side win the fight so I can move on and find someone who actually wants to meet in person.

But what girl doesn’t love a good fairy tale?

Online Dating = Epic Fail

ImageSo I decided recently that after being separated for over a year that I was good and ready to dip my toe into the online dating pool.  I’d spent months rebuilding my life, getting back into the gym, going out with friends and learning to like myself again.  I must say I’m a pretty great chick…or so I thought.

I spent hours carefully deciding which dating site to sign up for and then took painstaking efforts to create a profile to showcase my best attributes, uploaded a few pics and voila – let the fun begin.  Or not.  I was feeling good about myself prior to this little endeavor – I’m not too young or too old to start over, I’m average looking, great job, active, have a great bunch of friends and smart as a whip. Should be a slam dunk right???

Nope.

Two months later I haven’t been on one date.  Not even a bad one. I’ve chatted over email or text with a couple guys and developed a very high school-esque crush on what I thought was a sweet, young country boy.  What an eye opener that experience was.  So I sit here now with my self-confidence completely deflated wondering WTF is wrong with me?  I now question everything about myself.  Whoever said it was fun getting back into the dating world has a very warped sense of humour.

I fret more now than I did as a teenage girl just getting to know boys.  Geez I never thought I’d be in this position.  It has been a lot more painful than I thought it would be.  I went into this on-line dating world without a care in the world thinking “Hey I’m a pretty decent catch, I’m sure I will enjoy getting to know new people”. 

I’ve decided to take a breather from the whole on-line dating world before I end up curled up in bed with the covers pulled up tight watching The Notebook with a pint of ice cream and a box of tissues. 

What an epic fail.  The good news is I’m starting to talk myself off the ledge.  Stay tuned for more misadventures in moving on…..