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Running Hot and Cold

While my emotions continue to ride this crazy dating roller coaster I’m trying to maintain my composure, act like a lady (when there are times I’d like to choke my Sweet P, other times when I almost dissolve into a giant heap of gut wrenching sobs and still others when I’m grinning from ear to ear) and make something of this new relationship.  I’ve made my declaration – I like this guy!

Lately I’ve felt like someone has shouted “Let the games begin!” from the highest mountaintop, but I don’t want to play.  Over the past couple days I’ve noticed Sweet P becoming what I will call aloof.  Aloof you say – interesting choice of words.  Indeed.  I Googled the word aloof and got this back:

a-loof – Adjective 1. Not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.  2. Conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.

Synonyms – remote – distant

Check, check and check – yes that’s how Sweet P is acting.  And let me tell ya it’s getting old quick!  I’m not one for drama, mixed signals or games.  If I like you I tell you, if I want to spend time with you I will let you know and if I’m busy I will tell you that too.  Sweet P not so much.  It’s like turning on an unmarked faucet or walking into a dark room – you just don’t know what you are going to get.It could be great – all warm and fuzzy sensations or you could end up wanting to turn and run the other way cause shit’s so friggin cold.

For the love of god all I want to know is are you interested in me or not?  How hard is that??  It is so deflating to always be the one to ask someone to do something and then have to wait for them to say yes or no and decide when/where. Perhaps I’ve made it seem like I’m too interested or available.  Who knows – certainly not me.  All I know is that one day Sweet P is super chatty, responsive and calling me pet names and in the next instant doesn’t respond to messages, won’t commit to meeting and drops the pet names altogether.

This push-pull creates a ton of inner turmoil for me.  The immediate feeling of this push away by Sweet P is almost the same as a kick in the stomach – it takes your breath away and leaves you feeling like you just can’t function.  Then when you can your next reaction is to pull them closer – to be overly affectionate, way too talkative, send extra text messages, etc.  The more he pushes the more I pull.  Then the mind wanders…..is he letting me down gently? Is he purposely doing this so I’m the one who breaks things off?

So I took a step back , recognized the behaviour and hit the good old Google search for some guidance.  We established the definition of aloof but interestingly enough Wikihow helps us even further by telling us how to be aloof:

  1. Maintain a calm exterior
  2. Always be confident
  3. Be mysterious (lol)
  4. Be respectful

And as we keep scrolling through the search results it’s great (not) to note we can even visit http://www.aloof.com where they will tell you to appear disinterested, unfazed and detached.  Sweet P is this where you’ve been spending your time, cause it certainly feels like it lately.  If he’s trying to trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment it’s working.  There are times I feel that way and question what I’ve done to trigger the cold shoulder.  Then I get the sweet good morning message text and I’m all hot and bothered again.

My brain is on overload.  Enough already!  I can’t take this anymore.  What’s a girl to do?  Play the same game (I want to at times just to let him know how crappy it feels).  But I won’t – I know that won’t fix this.

I know he likes me – I can tell.  I’m also smart enough to know that you cannot make people act or do what you want no matter how hard you try.  I’ve got to delve more into this and patiently wait and see if this is Sweet P’s way of avoiding being hurt.  If you don’t put yourself out there, you can’t get hurt.  Maybe it’s his way of a test to see if it will drive me away.  Who knows?  Only he does.  But he’s lucky I like him and I will do my very best to squash the urge to turn into a raging psycho bitch, bite my tongue and see what transpires.

I will no longer wait around for him to answer me before I make other plans, I won’t sit desperately by the phone waiting for a call or text.  I will live my life, be me, and hope that he likes what I have to offer.  I know that it may not work out in the end. – it’s early days and I won’t pretend that I won’t be devastated if it doesn’t work out, but I will never regret trying (he is special after all). Sweet P may run hot and cold but so far he’s worth the trouble so I’ll keep telling myself to just breathe.

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