If I’m honest – truly honest with myself I’d tell you that I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo lately. My emotions have been running from one extreme to another.
I’m still seeing an absolutely sweet, adorable, fabulous guy that I can’t get enough of. It’s good, he’s good, life is just great….well sort of. You see he is the first person I’ve dated in a very, very long time. I should think myself lucky right? We clicked from the first instant and he makes me feel special. I smile (still) just thinking about him. Let’s call this guy Sweet P for obvious reasons (he he just soo sweet).
Sweet P always sends me a good morning text message (which I totally love and can’t wait to get) and I can be me with him – no holding back, which is very rare for me. I’m not comfortable with letting many people into my little world. I know to many I come across as snobby – I’m not. I have major social anxiety and am painfully shy, but not with him – at all – EVER.
We are both busy people though. We both commute for work (which takes up far too much of the day!!). I’m stuck behind a desk all day and thrive on routine and structure. Meanwhile Sweet P is on the road – here and there and everywhere doing different things on different days. On top of the commute we both have kids. And one of the things I admire about him is his commitment to his kids. And with two boys of my own who are busy with sports and work, by the time we both deal with work, spend time with kids and deal with regular life it seems there isn’t much time for one another.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally smitten and love spending time with my Sweet P, but it just never feels like enough. Or so it seems to me. And this is where the emotional roller coaster comes in. Turns out I’m not as secure as I thought I was. I’m not really afraid of being rejected by him – I’m comfortable enough with him to be open and leave my heart on the table. If I want to see him I ask. I mean I’m so into him I want to spend whatever free time I’ve got with him – normal right? I want to know everything about him and just see where this all leads. More often than not Sweet P says he isn’t available or that we will “play it by ear”. I get it (in my head at least); his job is unpredictable, sometimes he is on call, has kids he loves, is buying a house and now add a new girl into the mix…I’ve begun to realize that in my life not many people say no to me and I don’t like it!!!
I see less of Sweet P than I’d like but enjoy the times I do see him immensely. And we do text every day. I don’t know if it is a girl thing or just a me thing but my brain goes into over drive trying to analyze everything about this relationship. A random sampling of my thoughts might look like this:
Is this a “relationship”?, Does he see other people? (I don’t think so but maybe who knows), Does he think of me as his girlfriend? (I think of him as my boyfriend), Will he ever want to meet my kids? Will he want me to meet his kids? Why doesn’t he want to see me tonight? (Is he really at work or does he just not want to say no to me), Why isn’t he answering my messages? Do I send too many messages? Am I annoying? Why doesn’t he ever try to make plans with me? (well probably because I never give him a chance lol. I’m always asking him).
At the end of the day I’ve decided I need to get my brain to TRY and chill the f%$* out!! Sweet P has never given me a reason to not trust him, always ends up replying (even if it isn’t on my time table), and we do see each other (just not as often as I’d like). The relationship is new. I love the chemistry and enjoy getting to know this awesome guy. I think I need to stop and smell the roses – there is so much good and so much potential that I may ruin with my overactive mind (plus when I send him pics he always loves the ones of me au natural so he’s a keeper). I need to trust Sweet P with my heart and emotions and just let things be. There really is no rush – the dating thing is complicated enough and here I am complicating things further.
Patience is not a virtue I’ve ever possessed in excess, but I’m learning…….It’s humbling to not always be in control, to be told no, to have to wait for someone you desire like crazy and to not get what you want when you want it! I’m learning, I’m growing and well it’s not so bad. He’s pretty amazing so far so let me hit pause and just reflect on all his amazingness and to JUST BREATHE.