Oh yes this is just too true!!
1. You don’t know what you did wrong
2. You feel extreme hatred for your ex, in particular
3. You hate the opposite sex, in general
4. You go through a #dark mental space
5. You Don’t Believe in Love
6. You go a little crazy to blow off steam
7. You’re always on guard that you may run into your ex
8. You realize you made mistakes too, and can learn from them
9. You have a small victory
10. You realize it’s been days since you last thought about your ex
11. You finally feel hopeful about the future again [tc-mark]
You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.
While my emotions continue to ride this crazy dating roller coaster I’m trying to maintain my composure, act like a lady (when there are times I’d like to choke my Sweet P, other times when I almost dissolve into a giant heap of gut wrenching sobs and still others when I’m grinning from ear to ear) and make something of this new relationship. I’ve made my declaration – I like this guy!
Lately I’ve felt like someone has shouted “Let the games begin!” from the highest mountaintop, but I don’t want to play. Over the past couple days I’ve noticed Sweet P becoming what I will call aloof. Aloof you say – interesting choice of words. Indeed. I Googled the word aloof and got this back:
a-loof – Adjective 1. Not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant. 2. Conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste.
Synonyms – remote – distant
Check, check and check – yes that’s how Sweet P is acting. And let me tell ya it’s getting old quick! I’m not one for drama, mixed signals or games. If I like you I tell you, if I want to spend time with you I will let you know and if I’m busy I will tell you that too. Sweet P not so much. It’s like turning on an unmarked faucet or walking into a dark room – you just don’t know what you are going to get.It could be great – all warm and fuzzy sensations or you could end up wanting to turn and run the other way cause shit’s so friggin cold.
For the love of god all I want to know is are you interested in me or not? How hard is that?? It is so deflating to always be the one to ask someone to do something and then have to wait for them to say yes or no and decide when/where. Perhaps I’ve made it seem like I’m too interested or available. Who knows – certainly not me. All I know is that one day Sweet P is super chatty, responsive and calling me pet names and in the next instant doesn’t respond to messages, won’t commit to meeting and drops the pet names altogether.
This push-pull creates a ton of inner turmoil for me. The immediate feeling of this push away by Sweet P is almost the same as a kick in the stomach – it takes your breath away and leaves you feeling like you just can’t function. Then when you can your next reaction is to pull them closer – to be overly affectionate, way too talkative, send extra text messages, etc. The more he pushes the more I pull. Then the mind wanders…..is he letting me down gently? Is he purposely doing this so I’m the one who breaks things off?
So I took a step back , recognized the behaviour and hit the good old Google search for some guidance. We established the definition of aloof but interestingly enough Wikihow helps us even further by telling us how to be aloof:
- Maintain a calm exterior
- Always be confident
- Be mysterious (lol)
- Be respectful
And as we keep scrolling through the search results it’s great (not) to note we can even visit http://www.aloof.com where they will tell you to appear disinterested, unfazed and detached. Sweet P is this where you’ve been spending your time, cause it certainly feels like it lately. If he’s trying to trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment it’s working. There are times I feel that way and question what I’ve done to trigger the cold shoulder. Then I get the sweet good morning message text and I’m all hot and bothered again.
My brain is on overload. Enough already! I can’t take this anymore. What’s a girl to do? Play the same game (I want to at times just to let him know how crappy it feels). But I won’t – I know that won’t fix this.
I know he likes me – I can tell. I’m also smart enough to know that you cannot make people act or do what you want no matter how hard you try. I’ve got to delve more into this and patiently wait and see if this is Sweet P’s way of avoiding being hurt. If you don’t put yourself out there, you can’t get hurt. Maybe it’s his way of a test to see if it will drive me away. Who knows? Only he does. But he’s lucky I like him and I will do my very best to squash the urge to turn into a raging psycho bitch, bite my tongue and see what transpires.
I will no longer wait around for him to answer me before I make other plans, I won’t sit desperately by the phone waiting for a call or text. I will live my life, be me, and hope that he likes what I have to offer. I know that it may not work out in the end. – it’s early days and I won’t pretend that I won’t be devastated if it doesn’t work out, but I will never regret trying (he is special after all). Sweet P may run hot and cold but so far he’s worth the trouble so I’ll keep telling myself to just breathe.
If I’m honest – truly honest with myself I’d tell you that I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo lately. My emotions have been running from one extreme to another.
I’m still seeing an absolutely sweet, adorable, fabulous guy that I can’t get enough of. It’s good, he’s good, life is just great….well sort of. You see he is the first person I’ve dated in a very, very long time. I should think myself lucky right? We clicked from the first instant and he makes me feel special. I smile (still) just thinking about him. Let’s call this guy Sweet P for obvious reasons (he he just soo sweet).
Sweet P always sends me a good morning text message (which I totally love and can’t wait to get) and I can be me with him – no holding back, which is very rare for me. I’m not comfortable with letting many people into my little world. I know to many I come across as snobby – I’m not. I have major social anxiety and am painfully shy, but not with him – at all – EVER.
We are both busy people though. We both commute for work (which takes up far too much of the day!!). I’m stuck behind a desk all day and thrive on routine and structure. Meanwhile Sweet P is on the road – here and there and everywhere doing different things on different days. On top of the commute we both have kids. And one of the things I admire about him is his commitment to his kids. And with two boys of my own who are busy with sports and work, by the time we both deal with work, spend time with kids and deal with regular life it seems there isn’t much time for one another.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally smitten and love spending time with my Sweet P, but it just never feels like enough. Or so it seems to me. And this is where the emotional roller coaster comes in. Turns out I’m not as secure as I thought I was. I’m not really afraid of being rejected by him – I’m comfortable enough with him to be open and leave my heart on the table. If I want to see him I ask. I mean I’m so into him I want to spend whatever free time I’ve got with him – normal right? I want to know everything about him and just see where this all leads. More often than not Sweet P says he isn’t available or that we will “play it by ear”. I get it (in my head at least); his job is unpredictable, sometimes he is on call, has kids he loves, is buying a house and now add a new girl into the mix…I’ve begun to realize that in my life not many people say no to me and I don’t like it!!!
I see less of Sweet P than I’d like but enjoy the times I do see him immensely. And we do text every day. I don’t know if it is a girl thing or just a me thing but my brain goes into over drive trying to analyze everything about this relationship. A random sampling of my thoughts might look like this:
Is this a “relationship”?, Does he see other people? (I don’t think so but maybe who knows), Does he think of me as his girlfriend? (I think of him as my boyfriend), Will he ever want to meet my kids? Will he want me to meet his kids? Why doesn’t he want to see me tonight? (Is he really at work or does he just not want to say no to me), Why isn’t he answering my messages? Do I send too many messages? Am I annoying? Why doesn’t he ever try to make plans with me? (well probably because I never give him a chance lol. I’m always asking him).
At the end of the day I’ve decided I need to get my brain to TRY and chill the f%$* out!! Sweet P has never given me a reason to not trust him, always ends up replying (even if it isn’t on my time table), and we do see each other (just not as often as I’d like). The relationship is new. I love the chemistry and enjoy getting to know this awesome guy. I think I need to stop and smell the roses – there is so much good and so much potential that I may ruin with my overactive mind (plus when I send him pics he always loves the ones of me au natural so he’s a keeper). I need to trust Sweet P with my heart and emotions and just let things be. There really is no rush – the dating thing is complicated enough and here I am complicating things further.
Patience is not a virtue I’ve ever possessed in excess, but I’m learning…….It’s humbling to not always be in control, to be told no, to have to wait for someone you desire like crazy and to not get what you want when you want it! I’m learning, I’m growing and well it’s not so bad. He’s pretty amazing so far so let me hit pause and just reflect on all his amazingness and to JUST BREATHE.